More than most, the dressmaker is privy to all sorts of little secrets learned during the naturally intimate setting of the fittings; what the underwear looks like, where the hidden tattoo is, what special good luck charm has been sewn into the lining, what the bride really thinks of the best man, what the bridesmaids really think of their dresses. Over the years, these confidential and sometimes bizarre bits of information underline the fact that the seamstress not only must be a person that the bride and her family trust and feel comfy with, she also needs to be a professional diplomat.
But all this counts for nothing when compared to the one aspect of the job that can on occasions reduce even the most experienced to a jumble of terrified nerves. Dealing with dangerous equipment on a daily basis – high powered industrial motored sewing machines, over lockers with sharp moving blades, red hot irons and not forgetting the most lethal of all, the ironing board – does nothing to prepare for the fear that can strike the heart like the call of the potentially dangerous and volatile animal that so many brides bring with them to their fittings.
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| The newly qualified tamer |
I am of course referring to that unpredictable and skilfully camouflaged creature, The Mother of The Bride.
Stereotypically to be seen in pastel shades of chiffon, often hidden under a large hat, The Mother of The Bride is a varied breed, displaying many different behavioural traits. The wisest among the wedding trade will have spent many years studying the art of handling these beasts, their training only complete when their masters ceremonially hand them their shears and tape measure and send them out into the world on their own, their apprenticeship over.
For those not yet initiated in the ancient art, here you will find a brief guide outlining the types of creatures you can expect to encounter.
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| The Generalius Lovelius is pleasant and friendly. |
Generalius Lovelius
Happily the most of common of the variations, this animal is pleasant, friendly, encouraging and supportive of her offspring and those enlisted to help. Not afraid to carefully point out problems or offer alternative ideas, this creature shows tact and discretion and rarely upsets or worries those around her. Needs no taming or special treatment.
Subliminus Plantus
Second only to the Generalius Lovelius in frequency of sightings, this creature often goes unrecognised. Displays skilful, cunning and often completely undetected planting of an idea that at first seems in total contradiction to what her offspring had planned. As time goes by, the idea gets absorbed gently into the collage of the wedding resulting in the offspring eventually believing it was her idea in the first place.
Myus Turnus Nowus
Often a variation on the above mentioned Subliminus Plantus, this example inherits its behaviour through a dominant gene on the maternal side. Not having had her own wedding the way she wanted due to her own mother's influence, this creature will now arrange for her daughter's wedding to be the one she wanted and failed to get. This behaviour will be repeated almost without exception with each generation.
Guiltus Pileus
The behaviour of this strain can be very subtle, and is often only recognised by outside observers of the family group, the juveniles often too immersed in its effects to identify the root cause. Noted for its pleasant and outwardly easy going nature, this creature will use coded and carefully worded phrases to send warnings to her offspring that they are about to do something that will gain her disapproval, these warnings becoming stronger and clearer the longer they are ignored. The bride will eventually heed the message and give in, pleasing her mother and gaining praise and gratitude.
Financius Holdus
A less pleasant but thankfully rare example of the creature, these can be very awkward to deal with. Easily identified by the repetition of key phrases such as 'How much does this cost', 'When you're paying you can do what you want', and 'I'm paying so it's my decision', these creatures often have moody and difficult offspring, and can be known to expect a higher level of service than they are paying for.
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| Be wary of the warning signs of impending trouble. Venting steam should never be ignored. |
Financius Holdus Subliminus
A variation on the above, these creatures will control the proceedings in a more subtle fashion, recognisable by their offspring using phrases such as 'You're paying, you decide', 'I would but it's not my money I'm spending', and 'It's up to mum, she's paying'.
Mouseus Doormatius
Now extremely rare, hardly ever seen. Expresses no opinions and has no input into the wedding. Smiles on cue and writes cheques on demand. As a counter point, the offspring of these creatures are often domineering and can be very difficult to tame.
Controllus Totallis Overtis
Rare and frighteningly fierce. These creatures display total control over all proceedings, dominating their offspring and dictating expected behaviour and production standards to all in the vicinity. These creatures are extremely dangerous to the outsider, possessing an unrivalled ability to extend their influence over non-family members, resulting in even the most highly trained tamer being treated as one of her offspring.
Brideus Absentis
So rare, now thought to be a mythical creature, this creature exerts such control that the offspring is never seen. By anyone.
The last on the above list, Brideus Absentis, is a creature that most wedding suppliers will never come across in an entire lifetime in the trade, hence the growing belief that they are in fact mythical.
I know them to be real. I have met one.
In 2001, a very smartly dressed lady came into the shop carrying a laden dress bag in one hand and bundle of sketches and pictures in the other. She instructed me very formally that she wished me to make her outfit for her daughter's wedding (a long plain silk dress with an embroidered silk coat), to which I agreed.
That settled, she then thrust the contents of the dress bag at me, along with a sketch of a dress that bore very little resemblance to the wedding dress she had just given me. 'This dress fits her perfectly' I was told, 'but it's not the design we want. Turn it into this' she said, waving the sketch. Having already agreed to make The Mother of the Bride outfit, I wasn't easily able to say no to the task being laid before me, so before I knew it I was signed up to make hundreds and hundreds of chiffon roses, to be stitched one by one to an over-long organza wrap that was to be worn tied at the back of the waist, the rose adorned trails acting as a train, as well as adding random drapes of organza across the bodice and skirt, slimming the skirt and the petticoats down and taking an inch off the hem to make walking easier.
Foolishly, I asked when the bride would be able to come in for an appointment so that I could check the hem level properly, a request which earned me an icy stare and a retort that I will never ever forget.
'The bride? Why on earth would you need to see her?'
I did the work, and I never met the bride. Astonishingly I did get a photo sent to me after the wedding. In it were two very pretty bridesmaids, a proud looking Father and a regal looking Mother in the outfit I had made for her.
The bride was nowhere to be seen.
This farcical little episode did absolutely nothing for my stress levels, or my portfolio, but it did serve as a reminder of how things used to be in centuries past, when the wedding was always more about the bride's parents than it was about her.
And it therefore made me question our more modern, relaxed way of thinking. Today, we all feel that a wedding is the bride's day, and if we're feeling very generous, we might even remember the groom in that too. The parents are simply there to look proud and see their children off on their way, The Mother of The Bride an important presence but by no means the star of the day.
But if we stop for a moment and think about it, is that really the case? Have things genuinely moved on?
I still haven't made up my mind.....
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